If Only I had ____ then my life would be better
I found myself browsing Rightmove this morning - this used to be a regular occurrence but hasn’t happened for a while since I realised that it’s a distraction mechanism my human uses to avoid doing what really matters. As I was browsing I could feel that niggling sensation (not just a voice in my head but a tug from inside my body) that indicated I was aware that this wasn’t what I really wanted to be doing.
It’s also not where my focus is actually best spent. I’m not actively looking for a home right now but part of me really wants one. Paul and I have been housesitting for nearly 2 years and the moving around is sometimes great but other times I just want a place of my own with my own belongings in it where I can fully go into the work I want to be doing. Notice here that the reason I want the house isn’t because I want a house - it’s because I want to have a home office where I can be doing the work I want to be doing.
I have an office right now - I’m sat in it as I’m typing this. It’s not mine - the desk isn’t what I would want, the chair isn’t totally comfy for me personally and it’s a bit colder than I would want mine to be but it’s an actual home office and it has a great view.
Notice that my human pulled me into a feeling that my life somehow isn’t quite good enough yet and if only I had my own place, then I would feel much better.
Do you have your own version of this? If only I had (fill in the blank) then I would feel better/happier/more successful etc.
It’s sneaky. It’s a great way of avoiding responsibility for the moment we’re in right now. I have an office - I’m sat at a desk with my laptop - that’s all I need for my line of work. What is actually stopping me from doing the work I want to be doing? The protection mechanisms that have me putting energy into anything other than doing the work!
The work I’m starting to introduce to the world is about leading your self through life with love & courage. It’s about being able to notice the sneaky things our human self does to pull us into familiar emotional experiences because it thinks that’s how it can keep us safe. But if you’re still reading this it’s likely you don’t really want a life that’s just ‘safe’, you want something that feels truer, more alive, more fulfilling, more you.
To have that feeling - the internal feeling of coherence, alignment, lit up-ness that feels like you’re actually in your body and enjoying the experience of feeling alive - that doesn’t come from the things we have. It comes from being truly truthful with our self and aligning to what we feel internally we really want, not the life and world our self has constructed for us.
For example - my self wants the house because it thinks then we will have ‘made it’ and we’ll be ‘safe’ and it will be a sign that I’m doing the work I really want to do. Notice again - the real focus isn’t really the home, it’s the work.
The work doesn’t require me to have anything - it’s asking me to share my work in the world. To open my mind and thoughts and way of being to share it with other people. That doesn’t require my own home. It’s asking me to share the aliveness in me with you. That’s why I’m now sitting writing this piece instead of browsing Rightmove.
This is what I’m truly called towards - not the outward physical home - but building a home for the work I’ve been keeping to myself for years.
You’re reading this on the internet so I have officially begun and now I’m going to need to keep leading my self in the direction of sharing more and opening the doors wider and that’s going to take love and compassion for my self (who is going to want us to hide away) AND courage to step forward, to share, to face possibly being misunderstood anyway. Hence…With Love & Courage.
Inquiry Invitation
Do you currently have a story like this running?If only I had ______ then I would feel _______. It might not be obvious yet but keep a look out for it.
Underneath that longing for something, what is it you really want? Ask a few layers deeper than the obvious and see what’s really there.
With love & courage, Kirsty